When Will It Get Easier?

Every day I wake up thinking today will be better. I will not cry. I will not float away into random thoughts of sadness. I will not tear up at the sight of a pregnant woman. Sometimes, I manage just fine. But, every day it hurts. Sometimes, as impossible as it may seem, it hurts more than it did the day before. I think about it without even thinking about it. When will it ever end? Will it ever get easier?

At first I wanted to grieve on my own. I did not want to answer their questions or hear their attempts at trying to make me feel better. So I put on a smile and engaged in pointless conversation. I did not get angry at the uncomfortable avoidance of anything ‘baby.’ I did not flinch at the blatant inquiries of how I was managing so well. Although it is only obvious to those who really observe, I have been a shell. Not even my shadow is visible. I am broken. No one could hear even a whisper of what I am really feeling or thinking.

I keep pondering the seven stages of grief, and how some people get stuck in one stage or another and go back and forth. It is like a prison, I can’t escape from myself. I often times stare off into the distance, lost in a maze of nothingness. I forget things, simple things. I trail off in conversations. I get angry, irritable, even frustrated at absolutely nothing. As time passes, I resent having to deal with my pain alone. I wish there was someone that I could tell everything to, every time I feel like I am lost. Only problem is that it would be far too often for anyone to have the time to listen. I worry about stressing my husband, with the move from Japan, a new important job, the custody issues with his daughter; I just want to be strong for him, like he has been for me. My sisters feel so helpless. My friends seem so busy. It just does not seem fair.

I spent New Year’s Day in New York with my family. We went shopping, toured the 9/11 museum, enjoyed the sights and environment of NYC. After walking block after block, after block, we stopped in at the Border’s Book Store near Madison Square Garden. For the first time in my pregnancy, I allowed myself to imagine the what if’s. Kevin and I went to the ‘pregnancy’ section, had a seat, and explored the rows and rows of books. We passed and failed certain baby names, and we felt like we were our very own Google search engine as we poured over the pros and cons of pregnancy, what to expect, what not to eat, and what not to do. It kills me to think about it now. To wonder if our baby may have already been dead inside of me. That the moment I dared to relax in my pregnancy, it no longer was. How does one let go of that? How do I get over that? Kevin says that we will get through it. I want to believe him, and for the most part I do, but I am drowning here, NOW. When? When will it get easier?

I want so badly to be able to say, I am okay, and have it be true. I want so badly to be able to say, we will try again in a few months, and believe that we will. I want so badly to feel confident that it will get easier, and know that it Will. Get. Easier.

Right now, it is not easy. It has not gotten easier. The loneliness only increases. Sometimes I catch myself touching my belly and imagining what it would be like to still be pregnant. I have finally changed my email preferences for all of the ‘your pregnancy now’ messages that used to be a delight, but now seem like torture. I have taken the prenatal vitamins out of my purse, so my hand does not accidentally run across it while reaching for my wallet or keys. I have finally put the baby booties and onesies that I purchased ‘away.’

I went to the doctor’s office today for my follow up appointment after miscarriage, and I felt like such a failure among all of the swollen tummies in the waiting room. I felt resentful at all of the happy moms holding peaceful babies in the photos on the wall. While being escorted to my room, I walked by a room where a mother was being monitored. I could hear the heartbeat. I heard a strong heartbeat and I felt jealous and then guilty for feeling that way all at the same time. I craved for a plain, stark white examination room, without the photos, the signs, the pictures of the stages of pregnancy. I despised the sympathetic glances, the soft hands on my shoulder, the pity as they moved onto women they could actually exchange words of excitement with. Most of all, I hate the ultrasound machine. I hate the emptiness of it. The finality of it. The goodbyes it demanded, when it was suppose to introduce me to my baby. I go between asking why me and why not me?

The nurse asked if I had any feelings of depression. I actually laughed out loud. My husband probably thought that I had lost it. I thought to myself, I feel incredibly sad and lost, and scared and angry. But I do not feel depressed in the clinical sense, despite having depressing feelings. I wonder how much sense that makes? I fear saying too much and having people diagnose me with depression. What is the difference between grief and depression anyway?

I did not have the courage to talk to my daughter about the miscarriage. Kevin did it for us instead. She has not asked any questions, although I can tell that she is craving more of my attention lately. Every time I open my mouth to ask her how she feels about it, I swallow my thoughts because I am not ready to hear her answer. I have enjoyed being close to her. The distraction quenches my thirst against misery. But with Kevin working now, and my daughter in school, I have a lot of dreadful time to myself.

I wish I could keep pretending that I am okay. I tried to join a miscarriage group on BabyCenter. Tried, but I could not. I am just not ready for it. Some women bounce back faster than others. Some do not bounce at all, but fall flat. Some just float by, unnoticed. Every day, I continue to pray for strength and guidance and patience with myself and those around me. This is all so very new to me. And I hope it gets old quickly. I hope it will get easier, soon.

We Lost Our Baby

For my friends:

I'm sorry ladies for being MIA so much. It truly was because the move from Japan was keeping me so busy. I had the chance to see friends and family that I hadn't seen in two years, and I was really enjoying that time with them.

I mentioned to a couple of the ladies that I had a car accident the day after Christmas. DH and I were taking our cars (separately) to get serviced for the drive from Dallas, to New York. We exited the highway and stopped at the red light. I was a car ahead of DH. When my light turned green, I proceeded through the intersection. This poor old lady never stopped going from the other side. She T-Boned my car at about 35mph. I pulled over and DH was right behind me and called the cops. I was shakened up, but not in any immediate pain. We exchanged information, told the fire trucks that we'd go to the hospital ourselves, and we did about 45 minutes after the accident. When we got to the hospital they took my vitals and everything seemed normal. I was hysterical. I had a few bruised ribs, but the doctor kept reassuring me that the baby was too small at five weeks to be hurt in the accident. He prescribed me pain medication which I refused to take. He said to follow up with our doctor when we got to New York, but that I shouldn't worry and that I'd give birth to a perfectly healthy baby in nine months. He was WRONG.

We travelled to Atlanta, without issue. We left Atlanta and headed to New Jersey without issue. We went to New York and I felt slight cramping, but thought that it was just my uterus contracting to fit the baby. I cramped a little bit more that night, but didn't want to be a party pooper and thought that it was the ten miles we walked (felt like ten miles) around the city in the cold weather. On Monday I went to the bathroom and thought I saw brown/grayish discharge. I didn't panic because it was so little, I thought that I had imagined it. But I went to DH and said that we should go to the doctor. He made an appointment for later that afternoon.

When we got to the doctor we did a vaginal sonogram. The doctor kept moving it around and I just knew something was wrong. I was expecting the baby or something to pop right up. He then said at six weeks that he'd expect to see a sac by now. He then turn to the nurse and said that they'd need a 'quan.' Well, I've read enough posts here to know what that means, and I was in tears. He then said there was no sac at all, only two cysts. One was a cyst probably from the clomid on the left hand side, and the other was a follicle cyst that hadn't ruptured yet. He said that I'm either having a miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy. He said that it was very unlikely that the pregnancy would go any further, and that I needed to schedule a D&C after they get the results of the blood tests back. Yesterday they gave me the results of my HCG level and it was 477, which is low. Today, I went in for additional blood work (progesterone and another quantitative HCG) and I'll have the results tomorrow morning. If the number remains the same or drops, then I'll go in immediately for a D&C. He doesn't expect that the number will go up. He also said that it was unlikely that the car accident had anything to do with the miscarriage, but that he could not rule it out. I'm very confused, because if there is even the slightest possibility that it could have had something to do with it, then I want to know. I'm also frustrated at the other doctor at the emergency room, because I begged him to do an ultrasound, to check for a heartbeat. Run some sort of test. Had he done that, maybe I'd know that it had nothing to do with the accident, but now I'll never know. To miscarry a week later, it just doesn't feel right.

I can't help but thinking that I did everything right. I haven't had any caffeine, I haven't lifted anything heavy, I haven't had any sushi or any of the items on the 'do not eat' list. I know in my heart that I haven't done anything to risk this pregnancy. So, I'm very confused right now. Angry, sad, hurt, every confusing emotion that you can imagine, I feel, and yet still no words can truly describe how my heart aches. Kevin has been my rock, my anchor, and I am not sure that he'll ever understand how grateful I am to have him by my side. I'm not sure that I could survive this with anyone but him.

I want to thank all of you for the congrats that I've gotten recently. I feel really special, and I want you to all know that this group means so much to me and I really want for all of us to be celebrating with not only BFP's, but with healthy pregnancies and healthy babies. I would NEVER think of leaving this group, but I may need a little break. If someone could step up for me and just welcome the newbies and try and answer whatever questions that may be out there, so that everyone gets support and answers, I would REALLY appreciate it!

While in New York City, Kevin and I visited the Borders near Madison Square Gardens. We actually sat down in the baby aisle and picked out some names. We decided that the middle name would be Vaughn, after Dr. Vaughn in Okinawa, who helped us conceive. We hadn't picked out a first name, but we knew that we wanted the name to start with a 'K'. So, we've decided to go ahead and name our baby K. Vaughn Thomas. We figure boy or girl, it would work.

We're traveling to upstate New York this weekend and the doctors say that I should be fine in a few days (at least physically). They said that I could start trying again in March. But that's way ahead of the game for me. I may not get to respond, but I will be checking in on you ladies, celebrating with you, wishing you well, and praying for you all.

Thanks in advance for all of your thoughts and prayers. I really love you ladies!

It Wasn't Very BIG

It wasn't very fat either, in fact it was tiny, skinny even, but it was indeed POSITIVE!!!!!!!

Ladies, I'm still in shock. I know we hear it all of the time. But after trying for so long your mind really can't wrap around anything other than a BFN. You prepare for disappointment, you hope, pray, dream and think, well this is definitely it or different from last time.

I found out yesterday and although my first instinct was to run on babycenter and tell all of you girls, I really didn't have the time to. With the packers in the house, with the kids and our 'girl time' pedicures, and with preparations to move, I was super busy! And, with the fact that I don't plan on telling DH until we get back stateside, it was hard to manuever around him.

Please don't feel discouraged and have faith that the answer to your questions of "When will it by 'my' turn?" will be answered when it is.

I just wanted to say that you girls are all so special to me. I just couldn't have gotten through this without you all and I'm just so happy to share it with women who truly understand the struggle, women who will be here and have been here, right along with me through this journey. Women who will one day (hopefully soon) experience the shock of disbelief that I'm still struggling with. Women who will be better and well prepared mothers one day because of everything we give physically, emotionally, and mentally to achieve BFP.

Could I Be???

Sometimes I see people 'over' analyze their symptoms and it bothers me to no end because I just fear that they are setting themselves up for a greater disappointment if they get the dreaded BFN. On the other hand I know how difficult it is to really notice something about your body that doesn't usually happen and think...is this it? If we ignore the twinges, the soreness, the dizziness then we could really miss out on something important, right? When you're TTC you're trained to notice flutters that never existed before taking this journey. Your body sends you through a roller coaster full of these amazing twists and turns and when the nausea hits, you feelsatisfied and sit back to enjoy the ride because that bundle of joy is the reward at the end of the roller coaster.

I'd like to know some of the things that you've heard others mention when they ask "Could I be Pregnant?" I've heard, I took a 15 minute nap today, could I be? My stomach turned at the sight of daylight, could I be??? I peed five times, count them 1-2-3-4-5 times today, so....could I be??? As ridiculous as it may seem, we've all been there in one form or another.

So, here I am one week into my two week wait, and I'm ignoring anything that can be construed as a sign. It's a battle but I'm determined. Shhh...Don't tell anyone, but I think I'm winning! I'm slaying those creepy what if's with my weapons of mass determination. I'm stomping on those sneaky but why's before they can steal my sanity. I'm conquering the 'could I be' questions before the thought can be fully completed in my mind. "We will not be taken into the night (but maybe in the morning with first morning urine). Yep, I'm in charge, I'm a warrior, and I will not be defeated!

Who wants to join me in Operation Halt "Over" Analyzing Symptoms? If we all join together, I think we can take them.

So, with all of that said...Fertility Friend tells me that I have 62 early pregnancy points and my boobies have been incredibly heavy and so sore. Could I be...???

Nah, I'm just kidding! You thought I was serious right?

But no really, my nipples are soooo tender...Could I be...???

No really, I'm just joking!

But if I weren't joking, and I'm 8DPO/IUI, I mean, hypothetically, could I be...???

The thing is, no matter how strong we promise ourselves we'll be 'this round,' we all become victims of the infamous doubts and possibilities, and we drive ourselves crazy, while our DH's standby helplessly and wonder who the heck is BFN and BFP and what did he do to their wives? It's not our fault of course, blame it on the clomid, blame it on the stress of TTC, blame it on AF or TOM (Time of the Month) even. Let's gather around and flat out ignore the possibility that maybe waiting it out and being realistic about 'signs,' may cure us!

Ladies, we have to take control of our TTC sanity and not allow 'them' to defeat us. It's ugly out there, it's emotional out there. It's downright scary out there! But I'll hold your hand through it all, give you plenty of {{{Hugs}}} and encouragement. I will listen, celebrate, and graciously accept your shoulder to lean on, so that I can make it through this too. I have faith in us, together, we can do this!

IUI Complete, Now onto the Two Week Wait...

So, I woke up this morning feeling pretty calm about the IUI. I didn't wake up extra early in anticipation. I didn't toss and turn all night because I was worried. When the alarm went off this morning, I checked my temperature, got up and showered and shaved, and brushed my teeth like I do every other morning. I said goodbye to the girls as they got ready for school and snapped at DH for running late. All normal day to day occurrences. After settling into the car, I tucked the cup filled with his little swimmers in between my legs to keep it warm. The drive to the doctor's office was mostly made in silence and we arrived 20 minutes late because of traffic. I checked in while DH delivered his spermies to the lab. DH napped, while I read a book for an hour while we waited for his sperm to be washed and prepared for the IUI. I was taken into the examination room where I got into position and waited for the doctor. DH sat close to me and then oohed and ahh'd over the speculum and sperm filled catheter that were sitting neatly on the table. He exclaimed (and I mean EXCLAIMED) "Are they sticking that needle up there?!?! Because it's LONG" I swear I would have kicked him if I thought I could and get away with it before the doctor came into the office and I had to put on my happy face. I gave him a look that said this isn't three strikes and you're out, this is don't even come to practice, you're off the team. Lucky for him that the doctor came in soon after and I forgot about my anger and soon became nervous. My doctor asked how everything was, and I told him that I was concerned that I had already O'd. He asked what made me think so, and I explained that I had EWCM on Monday and that my temp dropped significantly on Monday despite not getting a positive OPK. He said that even if I O'd the day before that I still had time for the sperm to catch the egg. I'm not sure if that is uncommon, but I trust my doctor. As it turned out, I came home and took an OPK and it was very positive, so I feel much more reassured with that. So, the doctor comes in and inserts the spectrum and I hear and feel it 'cranking' I absolutely hate that feeling/sound! I was so tense that I had to remind myself to breathe. I managed to relax and DH was there holding my hand and my doctor distracted me with meaningless conversation which I totally appreciated, even though his attempt was with little success. I kept trying to 'feel' something and despite my effort all I could manage to feel was a bit of cramping, which I couldn't tell if it was real or imagined. I also felt what I can only describe as a 'cool' feeling, possibly the sperm being inserted, however I'm not certain. It took ten minutes tops for the procedure, and I laid there for about 10 minutes while my doctor answered questions about DH sperm count. Prior to the wash, DH's count was 24 million. After the wash, it was 55 million. I was impressed. I keep telling myself not to fret because surely one of his little swimmers has to meet the egg out of a whole 55 million of them! After laying there for about 10 minutes, I scheduled my CD21 progesterone level check and DH and I made our way back to the car. We were much more talkative on the way home and we stopped and did a bit of shopping before having lunch, going home and BD'ing to reinforce the IUI. Right now I do feel pressure in my abdomen area. Not sure if it's just O pains, or if it's gas pains, or if it's truly cramping from the IUI. I do know that the feeling is there and I'm not losing my mind by imagining it. I've started the pineapple core to aid in implantation and I'm officially entering the long and slow two week wait. For the most part, I'm pretty calm. I've ventured out a bit and imagined what it would be like if I get my BFP this month and even asked DH about baby names. I'm not sure if it will happen this first try, but at least I feel good about what we've done to achieve it. Today DH showed me that he had FertileAid for men (he ordered it with the FertileCM and Pre~Seed). I felt so terrible for telling him in one of my clomid induced rants that this was happening to me and not him. When he's doing what he can to help too. Poor guy, and lucky me, because he totally puts up with it. I think the first week will be easy, it's always the second week that gets me all nervous and excited. It's always a comparison to when so-and-so got their BFP or overanalyzing my symptoms. I've been fooled my exhaustion and sore breasts too many times. I'm hoping and praying that I can keep it together for my 2WW, because if I do get my BFP, I really want to be able to surprise DH in some way or another, and if I'm driving myself crazy, he'll definitely notice. So, I'm joining some of you ladies in the 2WW. I have a feeling I'm going to need your strength!

My First IUI

Can I just admit that lately my emotions have been as unrecognizable to me as the Japanese language here in Okinawa? I hear the language everyday, see the Japanese writing everyday. Just as I experience these emotions everyday, yet for some odd reason they still seem so foreign to me. I know the basics hello, goodbye, and thank you. Just as I can identify my emotions as anxiety, confusion, and nervousness. But the difference is that I just can't seem to focus on why it's there in the first place!

I'm a ball of confusion right? Speaking another language? Well, let's see if I can sort out what I'm feeling into words that someone other than myself can understand.

As a child I was the one who was going to have ten kids. Yep, ten of them. I reasoned that if one was bad that surely by the tenth one, I'd get a good one. So far, I've lucked out and my first child is pretty awesome! I just never imagined that nearly ten years later that I wouldn't have any more children.

I also never thought I'd need fertility drugs, procedures, or cures, to conceive. I mean really, that only happens to 'other' people, right? Ha, I have to LOL at my own blissful ignorance!

Here I am on my third round of Clomid, FSH trigger shot, an HCG trigger shot, several ultra sounds, countless blood withdrawals, numerous POAS's, different tests, buying thermometers, google knows me by first and last name (it's my BFF), learning to chart, learning to temp, chatting with Ruby, creating support groups, venting frustrations, confusion, irritations,evaporating lines, one or two lines, signing up for free OPK's and HPT's, hot flashes, dry, creamy, watery, EWCM, High/Low cervix, blue dye vs pink dye, OPK's as HPT's, digital pregnancy tests, the possibility of not just twins but multiples, tender breasts, ovulation pain, implantation bleeding, what the heck makes a positive big and fat anyway, TTC acronyms, folic acid, prenatal vitamins, Robitussin, mucinex, baby aspirin, FertileCM, DPO, pineapple core, evening primrose, baby dancing, dairy products, preseed, progesterone levels, HCG levels, tilted cervix, sperm analysis, motility, mobility, and IUI.

What's crazy, is that this is not 'the end' of the above list. The list in itself is ENDLESS! I had no clue about any of these things, and I've become an expert of TTC and I still have nine more kids to go in order to reach my childhood goal. Not that I think that will ever happen, and let me tell you, I'm just fine with that, but my goodness, Coldplay really needs to get out of my head, "Nobody said it was easy, No one ever said it would be this hard."

I've truly learned so much in this process. More than I ever thought would be necessary, and quite frankly more than I would prefer to know. I've gotten my hopes up, been disappointed, been inspired, and been saddened. It has been both uplifting and discouraging, but it keeps going, and as impossible as it may seem, it's just the beginning.

TTC has proven to be as foreign to me as the Japanese language and culture has been here in Okinawa. But as I've gotten acquainted with the customs and traditions and even the language of Japan, I've done the same for TTC.

If someone were to ask me how was Okinawa, I'd say that the natural beauty of this island, makes you feel closer to God. Living in Japan has been a rewarding experience that I will never forget or take for granted. The language barrier is no where near as extreme as I once imagined that it would be before arriving on island. Sure it has it's moments of pure and utter confusion, but in the end, this has been one of the most beautiful places that I've ever witnessed and I've lived and traveled all over the world.

I'm looking forward to my IUI tomorrow as nervous and anxious as it makes me, I'm ready for it. I take comfort in knowing that my BFP and the birth of my second child, like living in Okinawa, will also make me feel closer to God.

Fertility Clinic Update

I'm sooooo overwhelmed and excited and hopeful!!!!

Okay, I must first say FINALLY I feel like I'm getting somewhere! DH and I went to the fertility clinic this morning and the doctor understands that we only have two months left in Japan and why we're anxious to get pregnant before then. So, if I don't get my BFP by Friday, and AF starts, then on CD3 I will go in for an insulin test (the two hour one, I don't think I've ever had that before), a sonogram, and other hormone b/w and testing. I'll take the clomid on days 3-7 and this doctor also told me that the first sign of spotting is considered CD 1 (DH asked this question specifically because of all of my what if's from last cycle). On CD9 I go in for an injection (FSH). On CD12 I go in for monitoring ovarian response and an U/S and possible HCG injection. I will also do IUI when I O.

It such a relief to have a plan! I am hoping for a BFP, but so excited that I have a doctor who is willing to run all of these tests and take the necessary steps towards helping me achieve our BFP.

I nearly had a breakdown because we ended up having to pay upfront for our visit and then get reimbursed by our insurance company. I was really upset, because when I got the referral, I was told that everything was covered and we wouldn't have to pay anything upfront. Well, turns out that the lady who told me that has only been working there for two weeks and made a mistake. We pay first and then get reimbursed which can be expensive and it takes 6-8 weeks to be reimbursed. DH calmed me down and said whatever it takes, but gosh I'm upset about being told one thing and then having to deal with it being wrong. I just keep thinking, what if we weren't prepared to pay for it or if they didn't take credit cards.

But I'm excited about the good news and that it won't take forever to start on what's next.

Round 2

I have to be honest and admit that I didn't think I would need a second round. I sort of thought that I followed all of the rules. I did everything according to doctor's orders. I took my 100mg of clomid every day on cycle days 5-9. Began using OPK's five days later. BD at least every other day while ovulating. I laid down in the bed with my butt propped on pillows for 15 minutes, sometimes 20 minutes after. I willed every single sperm to 'stay in.' I took my folic acid every day. Ate my pineapple core for implantation. Relaxed as much as possible during my 2WW. I said my prayers, crossed my fingers, even made deals with secret deals with myself. Surely a BFP would be waiting for me at the end of the other side of this 30 day cycle. Boy was I in for a rude awakening!

Getting pregnant is hard work. Not to mention pregnancy, and labor, and delivery, and then bam... Motherhood! Whew! It's a wonder that any of us makes it through the first stage.

I'm already a mom. So many others are trying for their first. Having the joy of giving birth to my daughter, I have to say, it isn't any easier TTC your 2nd than it is your first. I often wonder what is wrong with me...now?!?!? I can imagine that it's just as difficult trying for your 3rd, 4th or 5th baby. I'm sure the struggling mommy-to-be of her 1st would disagree, but many of the studies I've read show that infertility is difficult regardless of the circumstances. I must say that had I known or suspected that my daughter would be my only child, I'd have done so many things differently. I would have breastfed longer, held her closer, lost my patience less. I would have lingered a bit longer on so many things, so many details. I would have avoided so many lost moments.

This experience has humbled me. And to imagine that this is only my second official 'try,' while others have been trying for months, even years. I am astounded by that realization. Although I am extremely sympathetic, I would be deceitful if I didn't admit to at the very least, myself that, 'oh my goodness, it doesn't make it any easier.'

While celebrating the joys of others finally getting that long awaited, greatly anticipated moment that renders many speechless and inspires tears of disbelief, relief, and quite simply happiness, I still can't help but take a brief moment to myself and wonder when will it be my turn?

I've got a really good feeling about this. Sure, I've had them before (more specifically last month), but I'd take this good feeling over a bad one any day. I'm going to relax, yet still do what is necessary to make it happen. I'm going to take it easy, but still suffer through and enjoy the ups and downs of trying to conceive. I'm going to take comfort in all of the BFPs around me, and know that my turn is coming. It is going to happen for me...soon.

Clomid Cycle Chicks

So I created a new group on Babycenter called Clomid Cycle Chicks!

I really just wanted to create a place for mommiQ-ëto-be to go and share in their trials and success at becoming pregnant. If you would like to buddy up, please join us!

It does not matter if you are a mommy already (I am) or if this will be your first baby (it will be our first child together), everyone is welcomed. It does not matter if you are on your first round or third cycle. Or, if you have used clomid in the past and would just like to share your journey or success story, to those of us still traveling, please stop by and do so.

Every one of us has a story. I think sharing that story with others can at the very least help others along their paths and that has to be a good thing, right?

Hope to see you there!

"I wanted to create an area that we can all go to with our thoughts, frustrations, concerns, and excitement about taking Clomid to help us in our fertility journey. We all have stories, and I want everyone to feel comfortable sharing theirs here. I know that I never imagined that I'd need help in getting pregnant, but here I am, and I'm excited to share it with people in similar situations as me." ~Tiffany

Trying to Conceive

So my wonderful husband and I decided that we'd officially start Trying to Conceive (TTC)! This is our first month 'trying' (well should I say our first month trying with assistance). Turns out that we're going to need a bit more help than anticipated. So, we're on 100mg of clomid to assist in ovulation, so that we can hopefully conceive soon. What a journey life can take you on. I just never imagined that I would have such an issue getting pregnant again. Even more that I'd want another child as much as I desire one with my husband.

I should be ovulating this week, and really crossing my fingers that it happens for us this month. I am just not sure how much of this waiting and anticipation that I can handle.