Trying to Conceive

So my wonderful husband and I decided that we'd officially start Trying to Conceive (TTC)! This is our first month 'trying' (well should I say our first month trying with assistance). Turns out that we're going to need a bit more help than anticipated. So, we're on 100mg of clomid to assist in ovulation, so that we can hopefully conceive soon. What a journey life can take you on. I just never imagined that I would have such an issue getting pregnant again. Even more that I'd want another child as much as I desire one with my husband.

I should be ovulating this week, and really crossing my fingers that it happens for us this month. I am just not sure how much of this waiting and anticipation that I can handle.

Christany's Weight Loss Journey

http://christanyhcg.blogspot.com/

Mrs. Army Wifey Blog

http://mrsarmywifey.blogspot.com/

Fallen Off The Wagon

OMG, I haven't written in so long! I'm suffering here! I doubt I even have any visitors/followers left. I've been in Japan for a year and a half now, and I LOVE it here. It's seriously one of the most beautiful places that I've ever been to. Marriage is hard work, but whoa I'm crazy in love with my husband, despite how much he annoys me. Parenting just does not get easier, especially when you have a stepdaughter. Work doesn't come easy here, so I've submerged myself in many lame distractions. I've gotten fat, yeah, I said it, lol. I've very much have fallen off the wagon in many ways, but I'm slowly brushing myself off and climbing back on again. I am exploring the island of Okinawa. I just started driving about six months ago, I was just never comfortable. It's so peaceful here. I mean just quiet and peaceful and that's just so necessary in my life right now. My Hubby is so patient with me. Oh, but he still gets under my skin. I'm hoping to find a job really soon. I just am not meant to be a stay at home mom/wife. I need a life of my own, separate from 'them.' I am dieting and have lost 15lbs of the 50 I gained. Yeah, marriage will do that to you. I'm determined to finish the rest before fall. Yep before fall Japanese time. I'm spending way too much time with my kids. How's that possible? Well, when your kids start calling you by your first name, because they think you're part of the crew, then it's time for some separation and distance. My husband's in South Korea right now. Damn I want him back home soon! Now that a wagon I plan on climbing back on very soon!

Other than that, I will get back on the writing/blogging bandwagon ASAP, in the meantime, I will post the links to my weight loss journey and my Army Wife journey in this blog, so you can catch me there. Enjoy!

Headed to Japan!

Well everyone, it's official! Kevin, the girls, and I (oh, and we can't forget the new edition of our family, our new puppy) are packing up and heading to the beaches of Okinawa, Japan!!!

We do not have the exact report date, however, it can be as soon as October, or as late as December. I'm hoping to squeeze in Thanksgiving stateside, but we may just accrue an expensive phone bill, cause I'll be calling my mom asking for her recipes!

We are super excited about this opportunity, the cultural impact the next three years will have on our and our daughters lives is a reward in itself. We are going to miss everyone sooooo much! But get your passports ready, because you are welcomed to come and visit us! I'm sure Caresir and/or Donzeal will be first on the list!

Will keep you posted on an exact departure date!

Sigma vs Me

So, Hubby decided that he wanted to join a Fraternity. I was opposed. Mainly, the summer was supposed to be our time, with Munchkin gone to Dallas, and the house to ourselves. Well, instead, he took hours of our evenings and gave them to the Sigmas. I stayed at home waiting for his return and well, when he got home I was a bit resentful. He worked all day, came home briefly, gave me a synopsis of his day and then left to spend the evening with the Sigmas about two or three times a week. He never seemed to have the time to listen to me tell him about my day....Not that I had much of one. Basically, I waited for him to come home, so that I could show him my expression of how sick I am of the damn Sigmas. Also, for him to see a glimpse of my loneliness. Spending too much time with yourself, is definitely not a good thing. So he'd come home, and would be hyped, I mean HYPED about telling me how much he learned, how well he did, and what went wrong while he was at the damn Sigmas and I'd stare at him incredulously. Was he serious? So, it cost us a bit more than $600 for him to join the Sigmas and not to mention all of the petty blue products they demanded him to buy. And so, resentment grew, I mean, got HUGE. So, here he was super excited about this once in a lifetime opportunity and something he'd been wanting since he was in high school, and there I was wondering, where our time to be newlyweds was disappearing to, and it was not a good combination at all. He yelled at me because I wasn't supportive or understanding. I yelled at him because I was always third or fourth on his list of priorities. If the military said, be up at 4am and be ready to do combatives, Hubby was up by 3am. If Sigmas said crawl on all fours through a pigsty of trash, Hubby would drop to his knees. If I said, can you please take out the trash, it'd be three days and six arguments later before I ended up just doing it myself. Eventually, I learned to accept that if it were the military vs Me, I'd lose. And, my expectation really wasn't otherwise, because it is his job and his commitment to our country. I also learned that if it's the Sigma's vs Me, I'd lose. For Hubby, it isn't an insult or a power struggle. It's simply, what he wants, and I should play my role of supportive wife.

So, after realizing that I wasn't going to win, I supplemented his absence with that of someone else's presence. I combed my hair out and let the curls hang long and put on a nice firm fitting outfit. I got in my car and let the convertible top down. I drove my car down Interstate 10 West and let my hair blow in the wind. At my exit, I was more determined than ever. I parked the car, walked confidently towards the mall, and made my purchase.

I named him Captain. He's a cream colored Cockapoo. Cocker Spaniel and Poodle mixed. He is more poodle than he is cocker spaniel. He's independent, yet has severe separation anxiety issues. He barks like he's triple his 3.9lbs size. He's cuddly and soft. Tiny and fragile. Absolutely adorable.

So, even though I lost the battle, I have a companion to help me lick my wounds and retreat.

Making of a Family

After three long months in Dallas, the Munchkin has returned home, well, back to El Paso. As much as we are becoming a family, it just isn't right calling El Paso home. So, over the summer she had many events to enjoy, and one or two that was not too enjoyable. The day after she got there, her dad went on a 'two' week trip to New York to explore his music career....Let's just say that he's still in New York, has a job now, and three boys that he's playing step daddy to. The thing is, he has not and does not play daddy to his own kids...He rarely calls Munchkin, maybe once every 2 - 3 weeks. Sometimes, I'll call him to remind him to call her. You have to remember that every summer since the child was one, she has spent the summer with her father, and here she is seven, and well, she has seen her dad all of maybe 2 hours in the past three months. On her birthday he called and spoke to her for two minutes. The last 30 seconds were of the Munchkin asking why he wasn't there, and his response was, I'll call you back later, but later didn't get there until a week or so later. I suppose I should give him a few points because although it was his choice to be there in New York, he may have felt bad about not making it home for a party that he has been to every year for the past six years. Hmmm, I would love to give him the benefit of the doubt and say, he's trying to make a 'move' for himself, and that can only improve his future relationship with Munchkin, but the problem with that is, she needs her father now. She needs to trust his presence in her life. She needs to be confident that she will be the first thing on his agenda even when she isn't his networking strength or his paycheck. I find it frustrating to still sugarcoat his lack of presence in her life with answers of, "Of course, he's thinking about you," and "Maybe he was in the shower and didn't know you called him." In essence, I'm lying to my child, which is an unfair position to be put in. So, here it is, about six months into my marriage, and in Texas, that is the legal time period that a step parent has to wait before legally adopting a child. So, now what?? I mentioned to Munchkin's dad that the Hubby inquired about adoption even prior to our marriage, her dad's first response was, "Sure, I understand the legal and logical reason for that, considering that he's military." I mentioned it again to him a few weeks ago, and his response was, "I don't want Munchkin to hate me one day for giving her up, because I couldn't afford her." Hmmmmmmmm....... There is sooooo much I can say to that right now. Mainly, the child support that he hasn't paid in more than four years is piling up on him. Legally, he won't be responsible for her if Hubby adopts her. Our plan, honestly, is never to interfere with his commitment to be a dad. Never to restrict visitation (I have never done that thus far), never to replace him with Hubby. It is strictly to make things less complicated with the military, to provide Munchkin with the long term benefits that having a father who is a Captain in the military, West Point graduate, and moving towards a possible career in politics can offer her. There was a time when I would tell men I grew serious with that, I don't need a father for my daughter, she already has one, but a positive role model, would be great. Well, the thing is, at this point with the Hubby and with the Munchkin, she needs a dad. She needs someone to protect her, have her back, encourage her, discipline her, guide her, and so much more. In May of last year, Munchkin was teased about the color of her skin. It was Hubby who listened and who told her that it was unacceptable and that we'd do something about it. The following day, she was assaulted from a boy throwing rocks at her head, and it was Hubby who sat next to me in the Principal's office demanding something be done. And just Monday of this week, it was Hubby who sat by my side when we met with the superintendents of the school district and discussed our dissatisfaction with the way things were handled with my daughter during those conflicting times. It was he who spoke up and said, this is unacceptable. This can not be tolerated. Munchkin's father, didn't actively pay attention to those events when I reported them back to him. I suppose again, I should give him the benefit of the doubt and say, well, what could he do from Dallas/New York? I suppose not much at all. I suppose he couldn't write a letter, make a call, say a few encouraging words to our child. Nothing at all of that sort.

I ask myself, "What am I?" Am I angry? Am I upset? Am I just frustrated? Is this what I expected? Is this what I want?

I really think that I'm just scared of my daughter losing this huge part of herself, and me trying to replace it with someone else. I don't think that her dad deserves the dad of the past 7 years award, but he's still her father. And I do believe that Hubby is an exceptional fill in, but he just shouldn't have to be. I suppose I'm scared. Scared of making the wrong decision and it affecting Munchkin's life greatly. Even if things continue as they are, I will not intentionally damage the relationship between father and daughter. However, I also can not just allow Hubby to be a fill in and then step out when her dad is ready to take over the role. Munchkin needs a dad now, not next week, not when the music career has finally taken off, not after his credit score has been improved or he decides it's time to settle down. NOW.

In the meantime, Munchkin got home on Wednesday, and she and Hubby have shined together. Every now and then she calls him 'dad.' Daddy is still reserved for her father. But all on her own, she had decided to include herself in this family as his daughter. He's not just the live in role model to her. He understands that she deserves more. So he's gentle with her and firm all at the same time, and she not only seems to respect it, she seems to accept it, and want it, because in all true honesty, she has never had a real dad before.

178.8

At 6am this morning I rolled over when Captain got out of bed to work out. Tomorrow I whispered to myself. I promise, I'll go running tomorrow. Well, I got out of bed around 8:30am, and checked my email. First mistake. Then I reviewed a few job descriptions. Second Mistake. Then I responded to an Instant Message that I should have ignored until after I worked out. Third Mistake. Then I went to the bathroom to take some tylenol for this splitting headache I have, and that was my Biggest mistake of all. The scale stared at me. So, I stared back. It was a standoff of who could win. I silently told it, you can't beat me!!! It only remained silent. I let out a nervous laugh, and it stayed silent. Well, not one to intimidate easily, I glared at it one final time and stepped on the pedestal. What it revealed to me knocked me off so bad that I left the bathroom with my head so low and my feeling so hurt. I'm overweight. Not so much so that I can do anything as drastic as surgery. But overweight enough that my size eight's wrinkle up when I walk by and my size twelve buttons fall off when I reach for them. I admit that I've bought a pair of size 14 jeans and even a couple of size 14 dresses. I used the excuse that my bust is huge and needs the extra room and that my ass is juicy and needs the extra space, but when it comes down to it..... My ass is fat, literally.

There was a time when I could wear a size six, and it wasn't too long ago. About this time last year...Ouch. I was more comfortable in size 8s and it was good for the ego. the average woman they say is a size 10. I did say WOMAN. Well, I've surpassed average and am working my way to obese.

When I gave birth to Munchkin I weighed 178lbs. I had an extra being in my body and I weighed 178lbs! Now, I'm on birth control, which I take faithfully and I weigh a full fucking 178.8lbs.

I promised myself that I would NEVER be this big (without another child in my body). And here I am today, huge! When you look at me, you'd probably give me 155 or 160. Not at all 170 or worse 178.8. And that should be comforting, right? It's not. In fact, it sucks!

Just five months ago, I weighed more than 20lbs less. Marriage is not good for the weight. I should blame it on El Paso, or birth control. But, it's really and truly my own laziness. I don't have a job. I don't have any kids for the summer. I should be working out. But, instead I'd rather sit at home miserable, complaining about my unfortunate life.

Well, I just can't anymore. I just can't. I promised my hubby that he'd have a below average wife. I'd never be huge unless it's the cute huge associated with pregnancy. I'm for sure not pregnant. So, I'm gonna do something about this. No goal of how much is to come off, I'm just gonna get started. I lost it before, I can do it again. Whatever it takes. I have a choice here, and it's just not an option to go beyond where I am at.

I'm 178.8 pounds today, but I won't be next week. I'm going to walk across the street and go run around the park, and then I'm going to come back and do my 7 minute workout. And then I'm going to shower, and run errands. Get out of the house and park far away from the entrance of where ever I go. I'm going to be the wife that makes me proud, and hubby too.

Time to get started...

Allow Me To Re-Introduce Myself!

I'm starting over.

I've been a lot of people combined into one really confused person. I've been strong and weak. A runner and a pursuer. I've been manipulative and deceived. I've made promises, and I've betrayed secrets. I've been way too mean, and far too nice. And in it all, I've been very confused about who I am.

Now, I'm just me. And I'll admit, I'm still discovering who that is. But I've accepted who I am. Sounds confusing huh?

Someone dear to me once told me that Change is good. Without Change, you're dead. I get it.

I know who I am at this very moment. I have a feeling of who I will become. But I do not know who I will be tomorrow. I am always changing.

So, here I am, completely in love with my husband and utterly furious with him as well. Anyone who knows me well enough knows that I am open and real with my thoughts, and that has not changed.

The day Captain came home from Iraq, I was insanely anxious. He told me that he'd be at the airport at 6am. I remember sleeping from maybe 1am till 3am. And I just couldn't take the excitement. I got up, combed my hair several times. Changed clothes at least seven times, and put on makeup that I later wiped off. I put on different shoes, reapplied deodorant, and stared at myself in the mirror. Believe it or not, I wasn't looking for invisible blemishes or stray hairs in my brows. I just wanted to see me. I was anxious. I was excited, I was nervous. That's the word, nervous. I was in love with a man who I had never met, but I wasn't nervous about my appearance, I was preoccupied with it. I was distracting myself with it. What I was nervous about, was the preparation of putting my heart into the hands of a man again, for what I knew would be the very last time. I smiled at the image in the mirror because I knew she would be different when I saw her next.

Captain wasn't at the airport at 6am. He wasn't there at 7am, 8am or 9am either. I felt deflated when I finally decided to leave the airport and go investigate on post. No one knew anything about soldiers coming home from Iraq and because Captain Around 10am my phone rang with an unknown number and I heard his voice for the first time in several days. Tears began to pour before I had the chance to speak. When I think of that moment, I understand what sacrifice and hope, and love is all about. If at that moment, I had to let go of all I wanted for us, in return for his safety and happiness, I would have done so without regret. And I still can't imagine how it must have felt for him to dial my number without an international area code and hear my voice without a bad connection, and without a 3 second delay. It only took his voice for me to refocus.

That day would be the longest day of my life (to date). After being sent from one place to the next, asking every person I could get access to, and calling every phone number available, it was after being lost and following around other soldier's wives and family before I finally reached him, after 10pm that night. And I was emotionally exhausted by that point. But seeing him, having him, here, home, and safe, was rewarding. Very much worth the adventures of the day. He was stinky and dirty. He was quiet and shy. Our first kiss was soft yet unromantic. Almost rushed in a bit of a way because he was so busy moving around equipment. But when he was finished and I had him to myself, I was completely comfortable and at home, that I knew our life together would be safe and happy. Ha!

Well, four days after his return home, we were married in Houston at a Bel-Aire Courthouse. It was a Wednesday. I decided to leave work early so we could help sell girl scout cookies for Munchkin's troop at her school. Captain picked me up from work. We were wearing jeans and t-shirts. We left the school went to the courthouse, waited in a LONG ASS LINE. Paid for our marriage license, paid for the judge to marry us, and waited in another LONG ASS LINE, for the ceremony. There were two other couples waiting as well. The judge finally came out and asked if we wouldn't all mine getting married together. I started to protest, but Captain was already agreeing. Captain took my hands in his and stood directly in front of me and we said our vows, and all of the nervousness was gone. I just felt the words and meant them. We didn't have our rings yet, so we skipped that part. And we ran some errands, got a babysitter for the Munchkin and we went home and made love to each other for the first time as husband and wife.

Since then, we've had some challenges.

So, here's my selfish take on things. Hey, it is and at least in this forum always will be all about me.

• So, I put my life on hold for the few months that Captain is in Iraq. I focus on him so completely that I slack at work, with my lil sis and my Munchkin.
• I went to meet his family in Atlanta two days after we were married, where I met a baby's mama who seemed overly nice (okay, fake. She will be trouble in the future, I an sense these things), a father in law who I will adore, a mother in law who I will fight for territory, a step daughter who I will never refer to as a step daughter because she's far too important to be called anything less than our child, and brother in law(s) who I will enjoy visits too and visits from.
• I left my job in Houston, a job that I enjoyed with people I loved and felt comfortable with.
  
• I moved from Houston to Lil Mexico where scorpions invade your home and make you fearful to walk barefooted.
  
• I left my family and friends
• I had my daughter leave her family and friends two months from the end of the school year because I couldn't bear to live apart from my husband for 60 days.
  
• I am now an Army Wife with new rules to follow. He's also an officer, so it's nothing like growing up with my family in the military. An entirely different category.
• My daughter was tormented in school because of her skin color.
• No one knows how to do Black hair around here.
• The jobs all pay minimum wage IF you are bilingual
• The things to do in El Paso list is limited to eating Mexican food and watching movies with Mexican subtitles.
• The nearest major city is at least 9 hours away.
• Even though I'm a minority, I'm REALLY a minority here.
• I'm resentful of having to show my ID 30 times just to go in a store and buy a candy bar.
• I'm resentful that I no longer eat candy bars because I've gained a full 25 pounds since I got married.
• As crazy as it may sound, I'm resentful of my hubby trading my first new car in for a 2nd new car, because it was mine, I did it all on my own and well, now it's someone else's, before I was ready for it to be.
  
• I fight with my hubby all of the time because I'm bored, fat, and lonely, and it's all his fault.
• I fight with my hubby because I feel like I've lost too much of who I am and traded it in for a life I thought I was prepared for. And in all fairness he warned me. But the changes in my life are more than what his pep talks could have prepared me for.
  

So here I am, facing all of my changes and challenges. I'm ready to take it on, because no matter what, I'm in this for the long haul. Captain is my partner, he is my teammate, and together, we can conquer our fears and accomplish our dreams.

Allow, me to re-introduce myself...

Hi, I'm Christany. A 28 year old married Army Wife. Mother of two beautiful girls (4 and 7). Online college student. Homemaker by default. Non-Spanish speaking, liberal with 'conservative values.' Dealing with changes as best as I can and sharing it with all who have the time and energy to listen.

Nice to meet you.

Anticipation

I hear him call my name. I can already feel the tingles at the tip of my fingers, slowly making their way up my arms and making their electric slide down to my breasts and quickly over my belly button, only to explode into my wetness, making it throb with anticipation. It only takes the sound of his voice to awaken passion deep within me, that never truly sleeps anyway. His voice runs its fingers from in between my shoulder blades, tip-toeing down to the small of my back. His words gently caress the firmness of my skin with whispered kisses. The sight of him makes my legs instinctively part and I can feel the warmness of my anticipated pleasure, moisten my panties. Sometimes, his presence is too much for me to handle. I close my eyes, bite my lip, hoping for a bit of distraction. But the visions I see there, only make my anticipation grow. The images dance through my mind. His lips on my shoulder, his mouth on my breasts. His hands squeezing them while his tongue vigorously teases me. I'm reduced to whimpers as his teeth gently nibble and tug at my tense, firm, nipples and my body helplessly arches towards him. I hear him grunt with the pleasure of seeing me pleased. I feel his hands slide down the small of my back as he gently sucks my breasts and my body tightens when his hands cup my ass. His hands are so strong, his mouth so gentle, still teasing the brown firmness of my breasts. I don't dare open my eyes, for fear that it isn't real and this feeling, this deep anticipation of what happens next is too sweet to let go of. So, with eyes closed, I feel him move from my breast to my stomach, and his butterfly kisses only make my body struggle to grind against him. I feel his kisses on my inner thighs. I squirm towards his mouth and let out a plea of moans and pleasure. I feel his kisses on the lips of my pussy, and my body aches with desire and my moans have turned into words. I call his name, I plead for more. I beg him to stop. I feel his kisses on my clit and the sounds that erupt from my throat are foreign, even to me. I love his soft lips kissing my firm clit and I wonder if it can get any better than this exact moment, when he gently begins to stroke me with his tongue. I raise up, unable to handle the unfamiliarity of complete satisfaction. I struggle between the intense thrills of pleasure and the uncertainty of what this foreign feeling is doing to me. I feel his fingers gently plunge into me as my pleasure heightens and reaches its peak. My moans of pleasure grow silent and tears spring to my eyes as I indulge in the amazing satisfaction of it all. I am still. Except for the occasional moments of uncontrollable shivers and involuntary jerks my body experiences. He lets me rest and gently moves back up over my navel, over my still firm nipples and onto my mouth where he lets me taste the sweetness of my explosion, and before I can protest, I feel him enter me. Soft, gentle strokes. My body, still exhausted and barely able to respond, somehow welcomes him. I hear little sounds of pleasure escape his lips and the tingles start again. I begin to move with him, arching my body so that I can feel his thrusts deep inside of me. His pace quickens, his depth deepens, and our pleasure escapes us in unison when we moan. I wrap my arms around him, wrap my legs around him, and pull him deeper inside of me, desiring him, wanting him, needing to feel all of him all the way inside of my wetness. He rolls me over on top of him, and I gently begin to slide up to the tip of his dick and slowly back down, squeezing my throbbing wetness against him as I ride him. He watches me, he enjoys seeing my pleasure as I take him all the way inside of my warmth, and he watches the evidence of my pleasure, wet, against him, every time my body lifts towards the tip of his dick. I hear his pleasure in the moans that escape him, and he grabs my waist and pulls me down harder against him and I feel my senses lose control. He thrusts me harder against his dick and my moans are growing louder and uncontrollable. I feel his hands tighten against my ass and I hear his voice call my name and I let go. I feel myself throbbing against him as we explode together. His warmth spilling inside of me, making what's already wet, even more soaked and slippery. I hear his pleasure, I feel his sweat, I feel the tension leave our bodies and I lay against him. Daring fantasy to be that good, I open my eyes and there he is, laying next to me, holding me, content, happy, and satisfied.

January Plans

We have 42 days left. Amazing that just a few days ago, we had 69 days left. I need for time to continue flying by. There's a Bridal Extravaganza in Houston this weekend that I'm supposed to go to. I may just relax at home, do laundry, work on the scrapbook I'm making for him (seems I'll never finish). Tomorrow's Thursday. I have lunch scheduled with Punky Brewster with the company. I attended Happy Hour with her tonight at my fav sushi spot. I suppose it's our fav sushi spot. Friday, I'm thinking of taking the Munchkin to a movie. Charlotte's Web or Happy Feet. Sunday I'll cook dinner, relax a bit. Hopefully I'll be able to talk to Him often as well. Right now we're on 'one-a-days,' and it sucks! Next week, will move slow I'm sure. I'll find things to keep me occupied. On Friday I'll head back to Dallas to spend my birthday weekend there. On my birthday (Jan. 18th), I'll turn 28, and there will be exactly 28 days left until I see him. So 28 is definitely the theme of this birthday. I'm taking a personal day for Martin Luther King's Birthday and will spend the three day weekend in Dallas, since the Munchkin will be out of school. On Thursday, the 18th, I plan on going to Happy Hour at Zake's with some friends from work. That weekend I'll probably chill out in Houston. I think I will be here until it's time to see him. He got me a gift certificate to Elizabeth Arden Spas in Dallas. I may go to that as a birthday gift. I have to find things to occupy myself with this month. Sitting at home worrying just isn't healthy. I started birth control this month. And I've gained weight over the holidays. I've got to do something about that. The pic from the 2006 recap is two weeks old. I've got to do something! I'm losing this weight battle. Okay, I think that the sake is starting to seep through this aimless posting, so even thought it isn't even 9pm, I think I'll call it a night...

Then and Now

JANUARY

January of 2006 was difficult for me. I was depressed, dealing with my breakup with The high school drop out. I kept trying to hang onto something that was dead, and he let me, but worse, I allowed myself to knowingly do it. It was bad. I drove to this spot that I go to when I really need to sit and think. I pulled my car up to the parking space, and sat and watched the water and the ducks. And I cried. A real cry. I allowed myself to remember, to hurt, to feel victimized. I had a reality check. I told myself that I could go on crying and bringing myself down or I could finally let go. So I poured all of those memories, all of the bad ones, into the lake. I cried all of those bad tears and let them drip out of my soul. And, I turned the key, shifted to reverse, pulled out of the parking lot, and finally moved forward. I knew that I was only hurting myself by allowing myself to continue to dangerously mourn a relationship that was over. I made my mother a promise that I would have no contact whatsoever with Drop Out. I needed to re-establish and redefine who I was. And each night I went to sleep, I cried less and less. And each morning I woke up, I hesitated, less and less. And each song I heard on the radio, reminded me less and less of him. And one day, I didn't think about him, and one week, I didn't think about him. before long, my thoughts of him had diminished a great deal. My friends kept me strong and entertained, and motivated. So, in all January was a time of learning my strengths and facing my fears. Accepting my responsibility of doing it on my own and also accepting the help from others who were there to support me.

FEBRUARY

I spent Valentine's Day having dinner with my daughter and my sister later showed up. We watched television together, ate salmon, mac and cheese, and creme brulee. My family and friends came in for All Star's Weekend in Houston. We laughed and talked, and Drop Out called me. He used my business as a job reference, wanted to know if I gave him a good review. I did. Hearing his voice didn't affect me the way I thought it would. I was neutral. He was kind. Called me from time to time and even agreed to go to Mexico for a friends wedding with me as we had previously discussed before the breakup. We stayed in touch, not much of anything, but we would talk every few days. I started getting used to hearing his voice. Started taking comfort in his advice. Started getting jealous again, started discovering lies. Started wanting revenge. One day I looked in the mirror and thought, what happened to me? I'd gained so much weight and I was in denial of what I wanted from High School and what I wanted from myself. I needed to make some changes. So February was very much a month of realization. I wasn't 'over' Drop Out. I was simply existing without him. So much so, that it was easy, too easy for him to come back into my life and have an affect on me.

March

I went on a diet in March, joined a gym, and started working out three to five days a week. I went on a diet and started losing weight. I went shopping to buy shoes, got pedicures and started to get my hair done more often. I took better care of myself. I started to feel good about myself again and came out of my shell a bit. I spent more time with the Munchkin, made trips home to visit Big Sis who was in the hospital with spinal meningitis. I learned the value of health and compassion and the healing power of family.

APRIL

I ventured into dating a bit. It wasn't great, but it was a start. I lost more weight. Went out to Happy Hour with friends more often. Cried less and shopped more. Talked to Drop Out a bit, got drawn into more drama which I thought I was in control of. I realized that it was time to decide rather or not my happiness was artificial. It was. Could I live with that? I thought I could. In April, I learned that band aids are only a temporary fix. I needed to find something more permanent.

MAY

What a month!!!! My play brother "Cue" got married. I attended his wedding. My friend Punky Brewster got married in Playa de Carmen, Mexico. It was beautiful and peaceful. I had a great deal of time for reflection. I made friends with the hammock near the beach. Attempted to read a bit, but did more of soul searching and questioning my wants and needs. I came up with answers, that trip made me stronger and forced me to face my fear of being alone, and it was like I realized that I kept trying to make something happen that wasn't meant to be and that I was trying to run away from a fear that shouldn't have been a fear at all. I may not have had a man by my side to occupy me, but I had a future with a man who would want me, love me, respect me, and need me. I was only as alone as I allowed myself to be. I had family, friends, even prospects that could entertain me. But I also had words, time, memories, and life surrounding me. I was not alone. I realized that I was angry with High School, I wanted revenge. I wasn't over how he did what he did to me. I thought I deserved more, and I did. That trip forced me to acknowledge what I was doing to myself, even if I wasn't ready to stop doing it. And with that acknowledgement, came a time to heal. A very slow process, but it had truly begun to heal.

I was supposed to go and pick up Drop Out from Florida for the summer. We got into a huge fight, he declared that he was only using me for my money, he wasn't going to Mexico with me for the wedding, and that he didn't need or want me to pick him up from Florida. I found a friend to go with me to Mexico, paid the extra fee to switch the name on the trip, and slowly began to acknowledge that the ban aid was losing it's stick. I began dating Marines and feeling worthy of a real relationship. I saw High School for the first time since Thanksgiving on Mother's Day. We had sex on a park bench. He declared how much he missed me. I wanted to believe him, but I didn't. I felt a sense of control. He showed signs of jealousy. Showed an attitude of "I can have you whenever I want you." I showed him otherwise. I guess more than anything, I needed to know that it was real. The three years of my life that I'd given him were somehow real. I kept looking for explanations and it was there all along. It wasn't his age (too easy of an excuse). It wasn't the distance (too superficial of a reason), it wasn't the other woman (too convenient to believe). It was him. It was me. It was who we wanted to be, and who we weren't. Who we were not ready to be. I was still bitter. Still wanted revenge, but I was no longer controlled by my pain. I now had my own sense of control. When we spent time together over June, July, and August, I picked the times, I picked the situations, I refused to pay, I choose who, what, when, where, and how. I thought that gave me power. In May, I learned the beauty of simplicity. I faced my fear of loneliness. I acknowledged my weaknesses, and stopped making excuses for them. I prepared myself for accepting that the end was there. I began the real process of healing, and I weaned myself from a man who I thought I'd love for the rest of my life.

JUNE

I planned the Munchkin's Big Birthday Bash, as usual. She had a "Super Star" party with the red carpet, Beyonce, celebrity look-a-likes, a Sponge Bob DJ, Pink Panther movie premier (in the media room), cotton candy, popcorn, and hot dogs, along with an evening pool party. It was memorable, as it always is. I dated Marines more regularly. I thought he was so sexy and his voice, it was just so commanding and intoxicating, I thought, wow, I'm in love. I wasn't, more of in lust. But I realized that he wasn't the one, even before he and I became a couple. For starters, he just started introducing me as his girlfriend, without discussing it with me, I thought it was cute, until it happened again....and again...And well, expectations were set. He was too hard to be with. Difficult to understand. I couldn't nurture him. He didn't need me. I always had the feeling that I was replaceable. Plus, I always had the feeling that I wasn't the only one. Of course there's more to this story ranging from being stood up because of a 'sick' child (now that's just cheap), finding hair in his bed and bathroom, mysterious phone calls, and a severe jealous, and an obsessive and mean attitude out of the blue, from time to time. But damn, he was nice to look at. But he also really forced me to remember that not every relationship that you enter into has to be THE relationship, with THE one. In June, I enjoyed dating and sex and taunting High School and having a bit of fun. And being in control of my emotions, for a change.

JULY

I chilled out. Spent some time with the High School Drop Out. I was with him when he got arrested. I loved it. It was probably the best revenge I could have hoped for on him. We were at an illegal speed racing event. The cops just 'showed up' out of no where...Hmmmm.... And he was the only car who got stopped. He had warrants. He was arrested and he used his free call on me. I was so 'concerned' and made promises to bail him out right away, and then denied all of his collect calls. He never caught on, and such a shame too, I didn't get to gloat, and really didn't need to. I spent some time with him and recorded conversations. When we got hotel rooms, I made him pay. I kept the receipts. I noted anytime I thought he was talking to 'the other woman' and made mental notes of their conversations. One night, he was sleeping with me at my Mom's (she had no idea), and his phone rang. I saw the caller id, knew it was her. I was ready to say goodbye to him. I knew I had to hurt him bad enough so that he wouldn't talk to me anymore, otherwise he'd forever be able to come back and if I were vulnerable enough, I'd accept him. He woke up, I asked him to stay, he refused. So, I told him that he had to finally tell 'the other woman' that it was over. He said he would on his own, not when I told him to. I told him that if he didn't tell her, then I would. He said that if I did, that I'd regret it. Which is really what I needed. So, when he drove off, I picked up my phone, called her, and said, "You can call him now, he'll answer his phone, because he just left my place." Of course all hell broke loose, and he denied that he'd been with me, but I had proof. I had photos of us together, copies of hotel receipts with his name on it, videos recorded from my cell phone, and tidbits of conversations that he had with her in front of me, which revealed personal information about her life and his relationship with her. She finally believed me, which was a relief. Because he had painted me out to be some crazy person who had 'made up' our relationship and the seriousness of it. There were times when she'd call me, asking for advice, and asking me to have him call her. I thought, wow, I feel bad for this girl. She's me. She will be me. And how could I wish that on anyone? In July I sought revenge only to realize that it was bittersweet. I mean, it was REALLY sweet, but there is no true reward in watching people hurt.

AUGUST

I let go of High School. I really let go. The healing process was in full swing. I have only talked to him once since then. Haven't seen him at all. He went back to Florida, back to 'her' arms, where her pain is simply shielded by his soothing reassurance of her insecurities. We did have a conversation where I admitted to him my faults in our relationships. I kept trying to create situations where I was the one he chose, simply because I didn't really have faith that he would choose me. In the end, he didn't choose me. And I have to give him some sort of credit for finally standing up for himself and making His choice, and not the one that I had cornered him into making. I admitted to myself that some of my choices were self destructive and that I had been full of self pity for far longer than necessary. We all go through stages of feeling sorry for ourselves and our situations. But we have to remember what got us there. In August, I took responsibility for me. I admitted my downfalls. I let go of him, without hating him. I wasn't sure I could forgive him, but I was ready to try. I was ready to move on.

SEPTEMBER

I spent a lot of time in Dallas. I felt liberated, lol. I realized that the scars of my past weren't so noticeable, and I didn't have to be ashamed. I dated more. Spent a lot of time with family. Celebrating birthdays, driving back and forth from Houston to Dallas. I laughed more in September. I was okay. I was a survivor of a bad break up that had affected me for far longer than it should have. I could genuinely answer the question, "How are you?" Without hesitating or having to think, "How am I?" September for me was more about looking around me and realizing that the people who care about me, may not be holding my hand every time I had a personal crisis. But they were there to share in my 'deliverance.' They were loyal to me and deserved more from me, than a shell or a mask. I looked at my Mom and realized that she was my Mom. She had always been a friend, but I realized that I was her daughter, that she'd protect me in every way that she could. I looked at my sisters and realized that they may not know the right words to say, but would at least try. I looked at my brother and realized that just because he didn't acknowledge my anguish, didn't mean he didn't know it was there. And he didn't make me have to hide and smile when I wasn't happy. He let me be me, he gave me time. And till this day, he hasn't made me feel shame for how miserable and low I was. I realized that my Munchkin, as young as she may be, was cheated of the one thing I can never give her back. Time with me and sincere happiness, not fake smiles and a false sense of security. Yet, she still reached her little arms out to me, and rubbed my shoulders, and patted my back, and thanked me for loving her. I learned that my pain affected so many others around me. It affected the most important people in my life. I've recently learned that it affects my future. I was humbled in September. I was brought back down to what's real and what's important, and I started to unravel the bandages around my heart and forgive, even if he never knows it. I have to forgive in order to give my family the Christany they deserve, and to begin my journey to a future that I've earned.

OCTOBER

In October, I had some weak moments. But they weren't about my ex. They were about my future. What I wanted, if I could get it, and when it would come. I spent more time with Munchkin, but often doubted and wondered if it was truly quality time. October was the last month I saw Marines. A pleasant goodbye, at least for me it was. October was a quiet month for me, for the most part. I did hang out with some of Drop Out's friends and it prompted a call from him and a series of text messages which included a bunch of talk about how he could always have me and I'd always want him, and blah, blah, blah, which were things that I may have believed a few months back. It was entertaining how juvenile and pathetic it was. It was also the time when I really realized how easy it was to ignore it, to laugh, to dismiss it. I wasn't angry with him. I didn't tingle when I heard his voice. I wasn't sorry. I wasn't hurt, angry, or even excited. I was just like, hmmm, what a surprise, and I moved on. Nowaah moved to Houston with us in October to help out with the Munchkin. Having him around was different, to say the least. But he was a huge help with Munchkin, even if some of his habits irked me.

NOVEMBER

There was some drama in November. I argued with my Mom more than usual. She really just got on my nerves, and for some strange reason I couldn't bite my tongue anymore. Let's just say it wasn't a good combination. I met The One. He was truly a breath of fresh air from the moment I first heard his voice. I was drawn to him. I never wanted our conversations to end. I wanted to just love him. As strange as it may seem. I immediately realized that there was something in him that I wanted and needed. I could hear that certain something in his voice, and even now, when I hear him speak, I'm always left feeling as if there's something missing from his voice. It's like this indescribable void, that I believe I fill when I speak to him. And there's this incredibly feeling of fulfillment that I feel when I hear his voice, and saying goodbye is so hard to do, that we don't. We simply just let each other go. Until next time. There was a trip to Baltimore in November that The One rescued me from. I formalized my feelings for him. His dedication and loyalty to me were obvious. He never tried to hide his vulnerability from me, which only left me vulnerable to him. But I was safe. I am safe. I know that I will never be hurt by him, as I've been hurt in the past. He's made me realize that I am deserving. He accepts me, loves me, makes me a better woman. By the months end, I knew he was the one. I knew I wanted to spend forever with him, and knew that even with forever, I'd still be cheated of time. In November, I truly realized that love does exist. Not the tough love that hurts. But the true love, that heals. I realized that there was a plan for me. That "Every heartache and every heartbreak led me to him." I realized that I wasn't dirty, and that my scars had faded. I realized that love is beautiful, not superficial, and that when it's real, you can't mess it up, corner it, or abuse it. It's there, it exists. All of the things that you think will make it disappear, only makes it stronger.

DECEMBER

I realized in December that God has given me a gift. How could I possibly say thanks to Him? The One has shown me endurance, because I've pushed and I've shoved and he stands there and holds me, and loves me and comforts me, even when I feel I don't deserve it. He's still here. I will marry him. May 24th, 2008. I will be his wife, very soon. I realized that our story is not a fairytale, it is real. I learned that we will face issues, be it outsiders looking in, or our own differences, and that we will lean on one another to sort through it. I am truly so incredibly thankful and grateful that I've found him. I deserve him and he deserves me. We deserve happiness. We have a family to grow, a future to share, and a love to nurture. In December, I realized that I'm ready. I'm ready for him, I'm ready for us, I'm ready for love and all it's challenges. In December, I learned that I am worthy and deserving. I learned that happiness isn't about what someone else gives to you, but what you earn and decide for yourself. I learned that love is more powerful than hate, revenge, or sacrifice.

2007

Amazing. My Munchkin will be seven years old this year and beginning the second grade in the Fall. She'll gain a new father and a new sister. She will move to another strange place, begin another school, and begin another life with He and I. She jokes with my family that she'll have a new little sister and a new dad. I'm so proud. I will marry the man who I have no insecurities or doubts that I will spend the rest of my life by his side as his wife. I will begin a new life, I will encounter new challenges. I will become a stronger woman, with him by my side.

2006 was about self reflection and acceptance, and healing. 2007 will be more about new beginnings, new experiences, and new choices.

Resolutions are not so easy to keep, and tend to dim by the time Spring Cleaning comes around. Instead, as I have done in the past, I have come up with a 'phrarse,' to live by for the year.

My motto for '07 is:

"Stay Inspired As We Take the Path of Life's Challenges and Changes That Lead to Happiness, By Our Own Definition."

It's important that He and I actually lean on one another and whatever necessary resources that actually allow us to'live.' I want for us to overcome the challenges and changes in life that we are sure to encounter, while we pursue what makes us happy, by our defintion and not by anyone else's.

Life is no longer all about me. It's about us, my family and our future.

So Saddam Is Dead

I'm worried. For the past couple of hours I've been glued to the television. I'm still on vacation in Dallas, and my mom will pop her head out every now and then to check on me. I'm nervous. I'm anxious. I slept with Him on the phone for a bit earlier this evening, but then he had to let his phone charge and had to get off the line. I've called him, he hasn't answered. My thoughts are coming in and going out, I can't hold onto them. I mainly just want Him safe and home. And I'm fearful that there will be a surge in violence and I can't even complete my thoughts on the possibilities of what that can mean. I can't think, I can't concentrate much on anything. Even as I watch the news or write this entry, my mind has so many thoughts flowing that I am lost in their control. 47 days left. It's a lifetime. When he's home, I do not believe that I will ever forget the wait. I know that I will finally rest. I know He would probably tell me not to watch the news. I know I shouldn't. I know that I should question the credibility. I just have to know what's going on, what's possibly going on. I just need to be able to feel closer to him, if at all possible or even reasonable.

On the other hand, I am not necessarily a supporter of the death penalty. I believe that their are other ways for members of society to pay their debts to society. However, like many others, I turn my head when people who are particularly violent in their crimes are put to death. I'm unemotional towards them. I'm not torn with thoughts of injustice. I will admit my hypocrisy without it being pointed out to me, and not apologize or make amends for it. I believe that Saddam Hussein was responsible for many unnecessary and heinous acts of cruelty and death to so many people for self indulgent reasons and it disgusts me to think of all of the people who had to die and who will continue to die simply because he so selfishly existed.

I am so scared for him. He has pacified me and it has allowed me to grow comfortable in our situation, and while I appreciate him 'protecting' me, I'm also more concerned and more stressed about what I may not know, because what I do know scares me as it is.

Must go now, He just called. I have so much to say to him right now, yet already I have no idea of what those words are. I do know that I love him, want him safe, and want him home.